Ten questions to expedite your demise

The political spectrum is populated with hypocritical weirdos just like you. People with good intentions, lack of time and loads of frustration; people worried about the future and the real, gripping ethical problems our world is facing. Unfortunately, most of the political talk I hear assumes one of two things: 1. conservatives are defined by hate and/or stupidity and 2. liberals like to run around screaming that the sky is falling when their moms tell them they can’t have more money. But which are you? Which tidy category do you fit into? Remember, too, that our biggest exports through Republican and Democrat years alike have been debt and personal greed. Yay! With so much to celebrate together, why are we arguing?

Question 1: do you believe that we have an ethical and moral obligation to provide humanitarian aid to suffering people?
a. Yes… the government should financially make everything better for everyone in the world.
b. Yes… all of us should take personal care of the sick and suffering like the Bible says.
c. No… it is insulting to their intelligence and personal culture if we shove our “betterment” upon them and continue to portray them as needy.
d. No…because they should figure it out on their own and gain wisdom and experience.

Question 2: do you believe the government should build a nuclear power plant upstream of your drinking water?
a. No…because nuclear power is totally bad.
b. No…because anything weird in my backyard is totally bad.
c. Yes, because I trust the government to force them to contain it properly, and because we need alternate energy resources.
d. Yes, because I need a job and they’ll be hiring.

Question 3: do you believe you should ride your bicycle to work if possible?
a. Yes… we need to cut down our carbon footprint.
b. Yes… we need to be financially responsible.
c. No… look, the world will fill to capacity, and I’m a population-control environmentalist. Cutting down on people will save the earth, not cutting down on individual car emissions.
d. No… are you kidding? I’d sweat too much.

Question 4: do you believe the government should subsidize soy-based biofuels?
a. Yes… like I said, we need to cut down our carbon footprint.
b. Yes… we need to cut our dependency to foreign oil.
c. No… that’s bogus. Soy biofuels use way too much water and are destroying acres of rainforest in the Amazon, dummy.
d. No… the government shouldn’t subsidize anything, particularly not hippie stuff.

Question 5: do you believe AIG executives should have gotten their million-dollar bonuses?
a. No… because they’re already corporate fat cats.
b. No… because the government shouldn’t be bailing people out in the first place.
c. Yes… it’s in their contract and it will trickle down like it’s supposed to.
d. Yes… it’s in their contract and I wish I were them.

Question 6: do you believe the government has a right to come into your home and take away stuff that’s important to you?
a. No… my own pot is my own business.
b. No… homeschooling my kids is my own business.
c. Yes… as long as they just take my money and then re-distribute it back.
d. Yes… they have a right to invade our lives, no matter what the cost, to prevent the spread of terrorism.

Question 7: do you believe using torture on a terrorism suspect is justified?
a. No. Pain is never justified.
b. No, you might get a false confession from an innocent man, and then he might go do actual terrorism to get back at you.
c. Yes, as long as it’s just playing Rush Limbaugh or something.
d. Yes, if it might save lives and there’s no other way.

Question 8: do you believe in the sanctity of human life?
a. Yes… which is why we need universal healthcare and to abolish the death penalty.
b. Yes… which is why we need to abolish abortion.
c. No, that sort of depends. “Life” could be subordinate to the greater good of science.
d. No, that sort of depends. If the person deserves to die, or if you’re in a war, then killing somebody is justifiable.

Question 9: do you believe that strength, speed, intelligence and so on rather than gender should be the measure of who gets in the armed forces?
a. Yes. Women are just as good as men, if not better.
b. Yes. Women are never as fast or as strong as men anyway, and if they are, they’re probably on steroids and thus may not be recognizable as women to either friend or foe.
c. No. Women should have lower standards so they can get into the armed forces.
d. No. Women do really weird things to a unit of men in the desert, and they would be safer at home.

Question 10: do you believe the U.S. should pass a constitutional amendment restricting marriage to one man and one woman?
a. No! Duh!
b. No, I’m trying to reinstate polygamy.
c. Yes. Who cares? I’d rather yell at the Man and riot in the streets than be married.
d. Yes! Duh!

If you answered mostly A or B to these questions, you would likely be evaluated by less detailed quizzes to be a “liberal.” If you answered mostly C or D, you would be assigned the value “conservative.” Confused? Ok, so am I, but from a recent quiz I took, I can assure you that this is the case. Just accept your label and move on.

One thought on “Ten questions to expedite your demise

  1. This is genius, K.

    My favorite thing is when a new party comes to power and gets criticized by the other party–and the new party says “Whoa, cool off man, this criticism is unprecedented and uncalled for.” Very entertaining bit of politics. Watch for it every 4-8 years.

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