The War on Christmas: Fight back, for Peace

When someone says something so subversive and offensive as “happy holidays,” they might as well be blowing up your church. It’s straight-up religious persecution.

I mean, I know, I know, the root of “holidays” is “holy days,” so in a way there’s still the acknowledgement of something non-secular there, but it’s too vague. Because Christianity is America’s non-official state religion, in America, during this winter season, we all need to clearly enunciate well-wishes to each other with the actual name of Christ in them. This will prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that we have within us the true spirit of Christmas and Christianity.

If you doubt me, look at the word Christmas. Its roots lie in Old English, and it means “Christ’s Mass.” When we say “Merry Christmas,” we’re all supporting the idea that we will be holding a Mass for Christ in celebration of his birth. That’s the true meaning of Christmas. Or, at least, it’s the true meaning of “Christmas.”

Now, you may not actually be Catholic, but don’t worry. As WASPs, we’ve totally co-oped the word to mean something else. We’ve embraced the pagan traditions of the winter solstice, and we have our Christmas trees. More importantly, we have our presents to put under them. We’ve fully embraced Capitalism as the savior of our nation, because only by spending tons of money on crap we don’t need can we boost the economy. We may go into personal credit card debt in the process, but that’s not a big deal. It’s all part of the plan.

So when someone says to us “happy holidays,” what they really mean is “I’m a stinking hippie who hates this country and everything it stands for, and I may also want to kill you.” Or maybe “I’m a Protestant who’s really picky about etymology.” Or even “I’m a Jew, and I celebrate Hanukkah, just like Jesus did.” Or, God forbid, “I’m an agnostic, but I want to let you know that I care about you despite our differences.”

Screw those guys. Enough is enough. We’re going to fight back. We must save Christmas by doing everything in our power to ensure that they’re miserable unless they use the same words we do. Saturate our airwaves, our Facebook profiles, our blogs (like this one) with messages about how they’re terrible people, those pretentious little sods, for not being just like us. If we torture them enough, surely they’ll recant from their heresy out of sheer exhaustion.

We will win this War on Christmas in the name of the Prince of Peace. Just try to stop us.