I Don’t Want To Do Anything, So You Better Be Rich

I’m pretty. Therefore I deserve millions of dollars and a husband who spoils me. If you’re a millionaire, keep reading; if you’re not, keep reading anyway in case you score an inheritance or a lucrative legal settlement in the near future. Did I mention that with a blonde wig on I look like Marilyn Monroe?Continue reading “I Don’t Want To Do Anything, So You Better Be Rich”

I’m Wearing This Hat Because I’m Going Bald

32-year-old gamer seeks IRL relationship with bodacious female who will love him for himself. Username: KnightOfYesteryear. Turn-ons: Literally everything. Turn-offs: People who assume I live in my parents’ basement (I live in my own room, thanks), shallow girls who are just into looks, the question “So, what do you do?” What do I DO? IContinue reading “I’m Wearing This Hat Because I’m Going Bald”

I Have Six Venereal Diseases and a Bad Case of Scabies But I’m Definitely Healthier Than You

47-year-old hippie seeks energetic, enlightened partner with non-working nose for polyamorous marriage and help weeding the garden. Must be a passionate fan of using human waste as compost. Must also have capability of actually engineering this because so far nobody in my house has. Username: HeartChakraGuru. Turn-ons: Patchouli, hydroponics, sexual chi. Turn-offs: Corporations, non-organic food, people who deny theirContinue reading “I Have Six Venereal Diseases and a Bad Case of Scabies But I’m Definitely Healthier Than You”

Pompous Homeschooled Zealot Seeks Handmaiden With No Ideas Of Her Own

19-year-old patriarch-in-training desires helpmeet to provide things Mom has taken care of up until now. She must be a chaste, quiet keeper at home who will dutifully satiate me at all times using sexual intercourse within the bonds of covenant marriage. Any other kind would damn me eternally into the Non Virgin Pew at theContinue reading “Pompous Homeschooled Zealot Seeks Handmaiden With No Ideas Of Her Own”

Please Fix Me, My Soul Has Died

Single father seeking warm, compassionate body to fill the gaping hole left by ex-wife’s ultimate betrayal. Unsername: SadDad Turn-ons: Making my sweet little Maddy laugh, the phrase “I’m not your ex-wife,” being hotter than my ex-wife. Turn-offs: Anything that reminds me of my ex-wife. Body type: Better. I’ve been going to the gym recently. Perfect firstContinue reading “Please Fix Me, My Soul Has Died”

My Uterus Is Lonely

36-year-old woman seeks attractive, employed male for whirlwind babymaking love affair, followed by 18 years of paying the bills and watching Netflix together. Username: hotmama23 Turn-ons: Rom coms, candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach. Turn-offs: Conspiracy theories, tax attorneys, finding overdue parking tickets in your pockets when I’m doing your laundry. Hobbies: Spa days, celebrityContinue reading “My Uterus Is Lonely”

I Can Order Kir in Ten Languages. I’m Probably Smarter Than You.

Intellectual seeks fellow intellectual for top-shelf cocktails and riveting conversation about Derrida and the Dardenne Brothers. Username: Nonne Sequiturre Turn-ons: Obscure French cinema, wine and cheese club, Japanese words about art. Turn-offs: Fox News, anything the proles are into. Body type: “I sing the body electric” … please tell me you get it. Or tell me you don’t,Continue reading “I Can Order Kir in Ten Languages. I’m Probably Smarter Than You.”

Armed conflict escalates as death toll rises in Salem

July 21, 1694, Reuters staff writer SALEM, Mass — Over 60 Puritans have been killed today as the death toll rises on both sides of the conflict in Essex County. The Naumkeag people have also suffered, having lost 14 warriors and two other members of their tribe since the fighting began a month ago. “We were hereContinue reading “Armed conflict escalates as death toll rises in Salem”

The War on Christmas: Fight back, for Peace

When someone says something so subversive and offensive as “happy holidays,” they might as well be blowing up your church. It’s straight-up religious persecution. I mean, I know, I know, the root of “holidays” is “holy days,” so in a way there’s still the acknowledgement of something non-secular there, but it’s too vague. Because ChristianityContinue reading “The War on Christmas: Fight back, for Peace”

In the interest of Biblical marriage

Are you disgusted by the thought of two obese bodies colliding during coitus? This is a natural reaction. We should all be disgusted at this sick perversion. God created us all small to begin with, and to exchange our small frames for something that will make us unhealthy, that will encourage others, including the childrenContinue reading “In the interest of Biblical marriage”