In the interest of Biblical marriage

Are you disgusted by the thought of two obese bodies colliding during coitus? This is a natural reaction. We should all be disgusted at this sick perversion. God created us all small to begin with, and to exchange our small frames for something that will make us unhealthy, that will encourage others, including the children produced by said coitus, to follow in the footsteps of obesity, is a slap in God’s face. In the Bible, God warns us time and again against gluttony. The man who stored up his harvest in the barn in order to consume it was struck dead — this shows that gluttony was a capital offense in God’s eyes. In fact, the Bible is full of examples condemning gluttony, even to the point of death. Proverbs 23:2 says “And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite.” The story of Sodom, of course, is the clearest example of this. The Bible states that the entire city was destroyed due to the sin of “pride and fullness of bread.” Biblically, we should really be calling fat people Sodomites.

Science has shown us that the human body simply cannot support an excess of flesh for an extended period of time; being fat is destructive. Someone who is 40% overweight is twice as likely to die prematurely as is a normal-weight person, and overweight people are much more prone to have serious health problems than thin people. Those that blaspheme God’s law by being gluttonous must expect to have the effects show clearly in their bodies. Frighteningly, studies have shown that those born to obese parents are far more likely to be obese as well. Teens who think they are overweight are more likely to try to kill themselves. Hence, children of obese parents are all but doomed to a lifetime of health problems, societal problems such as bullying, and ultimately, sin against God.

Thus, in the interest of public safety and the sanctity of God’s natural order, I call on our legislatures to make fat marriage illegal.

There are those who would protest that preventing fat people from getting married would be an abridgement of their civil rights. This is not so. All fat people may get married, just like anyone else, after they have been cured of their fatness. They may then marry another non-fat person.

Curing fat people has been proven time and again to work. Yes, there are those of them who rebound. Yes, there are those of them who are miserable. Yes, it does seem to fail a lot. But the cure exists. It is possible to refrain from being fat. I have firsthand experience with this, having refrained from being fat my whole life.

This is how refraining from being fat works: if you are prone to fatness, and you see a food item that you really, really lust after, you just don’t put it into your body. Not ever, not even one time. Simple!

I know, some people claim that there are genetic reasons that some people are fat. This might be true. Or it might not. It’s debatable. In either case, however, the previously-mentioned method of refraining from being fat should work to prevent all external manifestations of fatness.

People have asked whether overweight individuals should have the freedom to be fat if they want to be. After all, they are adults, and given our Constitutional right to freedom of religion, they are not supposed to be required to follow Biblical mandates on morality such as the injunction against gluttony. Well, yes, that’s true, but the thing is, they will have to follow Biblical principles if enough people try to take make them. I mean, the Constitution can be changed. It’s all for their own good, and we already have lots of injunctions against things the Bible finds abominable, like murder.

I realize that the Bible never actually objects to fat marriage. However, since it decries gluttony in general, it’s safe to say that minor detail was sort of was left out on accident. Also, keep in mind, in ancient times, fat marriage was all but unheard of. You couldn’t be fat when you were running around the countryside fighting your enemies. Society wouldn’t have allowed for it. Traditional marriage is thin marriage, not fat marriage, and not only in Biblical societies. It’s the case worldwide. After all, as my Korean friend pointed out only this afternoon, “[Koreans] think if you are fat, you can’t get married.”

Koreans really have the right idea here. If you start to doubt it, think once again of those quivering, cellulite-laden bodies, the furniture sagging under their weight, their breath wheezing from compressed windpipes, their bodies wafting stench from whatever is trapped between their fat rolls. The revulsion you feel is noble. It is righteous. Shudder, and make the right decision.

21 thoughts on “In the interest of Biblical marriage

  1. Wow, seriously? You people need a hobby other than dictating what others should do according to an archaic piece of human literature. To base your life on a culture that is no longer existing in it’s written form (bronze age/early iron age) is what is part of the problem of this planet right now….People who are dogmatic, and obsessive about control of other peoples beliefs and spirit destroy hope of any future progress culturally and spiritually. . I was raised Roman Catholic, went to a religious school, I have been an altar server as well, receiving all rites including the last rites several times due to prematurity of birth. So I am not ignorant of christian theology. I agree people should treat their bodies as a temple, but religion has nothing to do with that.

    1. Darling Carolyn Toibin, This is a spoof of the intolerant hate-mongers who write against gay marriage legalization. You seriously need to look up satire and its definition.

  2. “I realize that the Bible never actually objects to fat marriage. However, since it decries gluttony in general, it’s safe to say that minor detail was sort of was left out on accident” If you truly believe parts of the bible have been as you put it left out by accident and you feel the need to fill in the blanks please no longer refer to yourself as a Christian. In the book of Isaiah we are told not to judge with our eyes in the book of Proverbs we are told add not unto his words. Study those passages and read what you wrote. It is anti-biblical on every level.

    “He shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: but with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth” (Isaiah 11: 3-4)

    Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
    Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.
    (Proverbs 30: 5-6)

  3. Umm. Wow. Your pride at your thinness is obvious in this post. I guess that makes you a sodomite. Also, as a Christian, I implore you not urge people toward lust. You ask us several times to imagine fat coitus. As Christians, we should not be imagining any coitus and, as you have pointed out, fat coitus is revolting so the healthy mind would immediately reject that and turn to imagining thin coitus. Those who struggle staying pure may fall into sin because of you cajoling them to imagine coitus at all. I don’t understand why you seek to defraud good Christian men and women.

  4. This is a satirical post. I’m actually a bit horrified that people could possibly suspect otherwise — I in no way actually want to deny larger people equal rights under the law. I am thin myself, but that does not give me the right to make fun of them. It just means that, really, I have no clue what they go through from day to day. Personally, I don’t think that gives me the right to judge them, even if I’m following the Bible. Every single argument I use is used most frequently in the interest of preventing gay marriage — and I’ve often heard, behind closed doors, the same people who would deny gays marriage under the state getting really grossed out by the idea of being gay. But frankly, that’s just weird. It’s rude to mock another human being and deny them a categorical right merely because you think they’re gross. You can think a human being is gross for any number of reasons — and in that case, I doubt that anything like reason will change your mind. But perhaps you shouldn’t be dwelling on what it is that they’re doing if you find it gross. Or perhaps you shouldn’t consider yourself superior to them in your right to marry the consenting adult you choose to marry, even if you try to back it up with Bible verses or science.

  5. Brilliant piece. Color me appalled as well that there are people who took this seriously. Fervently hoping some of these replies were subversively satircal as well…

  6. I love this. For those who are outraged, perhaps you ought to replace ‘fat’ with ‘gay’ and then read through it again. Then you might get what Katie is trying to say. Katie isn’t fat shaming, she is pointing out the ridiculousness of those who want to forbid gay marriage.

    Bravo Katie.

  7. This was fabulous. As a fat person, I have to say I’m shocked that people didn’t get the true message behind this post. It leapt off the page at me.

    Good work, katie.

  8. Well, I’m saddened to read that this was a satirical post. I think everything you said was spot on. But I’d take it a step further: Outlaw dogs. I can’t walk a hundred feet down the street without stepping in some doggie poo. I don’t know if the Bible ever specifically says “Thou shall not domesticate the beasts of the field” but I do know that the third commandment says “Thou shalt have no god before me” and my mother-in-law definitely treats her stupid-ass dog as if he were Jesus himself. Also, you’ll notice that in The Last Supper there are no canines. And the Virgin Mary is never depicted with Christ in her arms and a shih tzu at her side. I don’t think Jesus was a big dog fan. Imagine all the poo he must have stepped in walking around the Holy Land. Let’s get rid of the dogs!

    One last thing: You can’t deny Pumpking’s logic: We’d all be a lot more pleasant if we got fucked more often. I’m just sayin’.

  9. It is a beautifully written piece of satire. Johnathan Swift couldn’t have done it better.

    Though I’m surprised to read that that razor-sharp mind has succumbed to the tired “I don’t think that gives me the right to judge…” line of thinking. I bet you could improve on that if you took some time.

    1. Oh, I judge people all the time. I wouldn’t argue about stuff so much if I didn’t have a pretty strong opinion about right and wrong. But I also have decided that given our Constitution, it would be fallacious of me to deny other people the same rights I staunchly support for myself: freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from religion and so on.

    1. I’m not sure why you think so. According to my own logic, I could think gay people are super unhealthy in every way and still support their right to get married. The whole point of this is to mock the idea that “I think fat [gay] people are disgusting, immoral, and bad for children, and therefore they should not get married.” Obviously, you (or me) thinking someone is disgusting/immoral/bad for children does not inherently take away their right to get married.

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