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Are you disgusted by the thought of two obese bodies colliding during coitus? This is a natural reaction. We should all be disgusted at this sick perversion. God created us all small to begin with, and to exchange our small frames for something that will make us unhealthy, that will encourage others, including the children produced by said coitus, to follow in the footsteps of obesity, is a slap in God’s face. In the Bible, God warns us time and again against gluttony. The man who stored up his harvest in the barn in order to consume it was struck dead — this shows that gluttony was a capital offense in God’s eyes. In fact, the Bible is full of examples condemning gluttony, even to the point of death. Proverbs 23:2 says “And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite.” The story of Sodom, of course, is the clearest example of this. The Bible states that the entire city was destroyed due to the sin of “pride and fullness of bread.” Biblically, we should really be calling fat people Sodomites.

Science has shown us that the human body simply cannot support an excess of flesh for an extended period of time; being fat is destructive. Someone who is 40% overweight is twice as likely to die prematurely as is a normal-weight person, and overweight people are much more prone to have serious health problems than thin people. Those that blaspheme God’s law by being gluttonous must expect to have the effects show clearly in their bodies. Frighteningly, studies have shown that those born to obese parents are far more likely to be obese as well. Teens who think they are overweight are more likely to try to kill themselves. Hence, children of obese parents are all but doomed to a lifetime of health problems, societal problems such as bullying, and ultimately, sin against God.

Thus, in the interest of public safety and the sanctity of God’s natural order, I call on our legislatures to make fat marriage illegal.

There are those who would protest that preventing fat people from getting married would be an abridgement of their civil rights. This is not so. All fat people may get married, just like anyone else, after they have been cured of their fatness. They may then marry another non-fat person.

Curing fat people has been proven time and again to work. Yes, there are those of them who rebound. Yes, there are those of them who are miserable. Yes, it does seem to fail a lot. But the cure exists. It is possible to refrain from being fat. I have firsthand experience with this, having refrained from being fat my whole life.

This is how refraining from being fat works: if you are prone to fatness, and you see a food item that you really, really lust after, you just don’t put it into your body. Not ever, not even one time. Simple!

I know, some people claim that there are genetic reasons that some people are fat. This might be true. Or it might not. It’s debatable. In either case, however, the previously-mentioned method of refraining from being fat should work to prevent all external manifestations of fatness.

People have asked whether overweight individuals should have the freedom to be fat if they want to be. After all, they are adults, and given our Constitutional right to freedom of religion, they are not supposed to be required to follow Biblical mandates on morality such as the injunction against gluttony. Well, yes, that’s true, but the thing is, they will have to follow Biblical principles if enough people try to take make them. I mean, the Constitution can be changed. It’s all for their own good, and we already have lots of injunctions against things the Bible finds abominable, like murder.

I realize that the Bible never actually objects to fat marriage. However, since it decries gluttony in general, it’s safe to say that minor detail was sort of was left out on accident. Also, keep in mind, in ancient times, fat marriage was all but unheard of. You couldn’t be fat when you were running around the countryside fighting your enemies. Society wouldn’t have allowed for it. Traditional marriage is thin marriage, not fat marriage, and not only in Biblical societies. It’s the case worldwide. After all, as my Korean friend pointed out only this afternoon, “[Koreans] think if you are fat, you can’t get married.”

Koreans really have the right idea here. If you start to doubt it, think once again of those quivering, cellulite-laden bodies, the furniture sagging under their weight, their breath wheezing from compressed windpipes, their bodies wafting stench from whatever is trapped between their fat rolls. The revulsion you feel is noble. It is righteous. Shudder, and make the right decision.

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