IMG_128147-year-old hippie seeks energetic, enlightened partner with non-working nose for polyamorous marriage and help weeding the garden. Must be a passionate fan of using human waste as compost. Must also have capability of actually engineering this because so far nobody in my house has.

Username: HeartChakraGuru.

Turn-ons: Patchouli, hydroponics, sexual chi.

Turn-offs: Corporations, non-organic food, people who deny their human nature by refusing to be just like me.

Hobbies: Shamanic healing, using bodily fluids in the spaghetti sauce, telling everyone I meet that showers waste water.

Body type: Personification of the Buddha and the Buddha’s aesthetic.

Ideal first date: Our eyes meet across the singing circle. You lift your hands, palms up, and walk to me until our auras merge. We do not touch, but we let our energies cycle in and out until we have come to know one another completely. This is our spiritual union and ensures that we will love each other eternally. Then you surprise me by saying you are independently wealthy and that my other partners and I no longer need to rely on selling human-hair dreamcatchers at barter fairs to make a living. We consummate our union by light of the full moon.