Intellectual seeks fellow intellectualIntellectual dating for top-shelf cocktails and riveting conversation about Derrida and the Dardenne Brothers.

Username: Nonne Sequiturre

Turn-ons: Obscure French cinema, wine and cheese club, Japanese words about art.

Turn-offs: Fox News, anything the proles are into.

Body type: “I sing the body electric” … please tell me you get it. Or tell me you don’t, actually. That would make me happier.

Ideal first date: We meet up at a bookstore and search for first-edition copies of Hegel in German. When we don’t find any, we complain to regular staff people and then to their managers, within earshot of as many customers as possible. We refuse the store’s offer to order anything for us, saying it’s too expensive and that we’ll just pick up some Hegel on our next trip to Munich. We go across the street for warm sake and sashimi, complaining to one another that society has really gone downhill since the invention of the selfie stick. We finish with some gluten-free chocolate truffles at this place I know about, and share a cordial handshake in parting.