My Uterus Is Lonely

IMG_863936-year-old woman seeks attractive, employed male for whirlwind babymaking love affair, followed by 18 years of paying the bills and watching Netflix together.

Username: hotmama23

Turn-ons: Rom coms, candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach.

Turn-offs: Conspiracy theories, tax attorneys, finding overdue parking tickets in your pockets when I’m doing your laundry.

Hobbies: Spa days, celebrity gossip, pinning stuff on Pinterest, procrastinating.

Body type: Great personality.

Describe your perfect first date: Christian Grey minus the creepy factor picks me up in a limo. He presents me with a dozen roses and a hand-knit scarf. We dine in an exclusive restaurant and Instagram ourselves so all my friends can see. #firstdate #magical. My hair is flawless. Afterwards, we sip daqueris in an even more exclusive bar. I win an award for my mad mixologist-photography skills, and am featured in a social media ad campaign with my handsome date beside me. #surprise. He takes me home and drops me off at the door with a passionate kiss while his driver snaps photos of us and uploads them to Twitter. #goodnight #hesmine.

5 thoughts on “My Uterus Is Lonely

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